There’s Gonna Be a Weddin!

So, my dad and step-mom have finally picked a date to officially tie the knot and on Labor Day weekend, I will roll my ass out of bed for a sunrise wedding (because they hate me). Their only request: that all guests wear a thrift-store purchased Hawaiian shirt to the ceremony. Also, Stepmom asked if I would pick up some tiki torches and lanterns on a string. Is this another drug induced matrimony, or am I being paranoid?


Round Up

I’ve been working pretty hard to keep up with the Zero to Hero challenge, but almost fell off the wagon tonight. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been feeling well, but the whole round up idea wasn’t really tickling my pickle so to speak. But then, I went through my reader and started feeling a bit better. I realized that there are a few bloggers out there who I really look forward to hearing from. So, without further ado, here are a few of the blogs I love:

SnarkySnatch NEVER fails to make me laugh. Hard. To the point my nightly bevvie threatens to come out my nose. The point of view reminds me of my own shenanigans before I had children. The brutal honesty, brilliant use of pictures and videos, and hilarious word-smithing get me every time.

SendtheBus is probably one of my favorite parenting blogs. I like the little stories that remind me of my own kids. Plus, it’s reaffirming to know that I’m not the only one who silently asks “what the fuck” while parenting.

Finally, this post by Itscomplicated has moved me more than any piece of writing I’ve read ever. She is the first person who I’ve ever seen adequately describe some of the pain/shame/discomfort/agony that comes with a neurological condition. Finally, I had something that I could share with those closest to me that would help them understand why I had to go sleep for 14 hours.

Of course, I love all of the bloggers that I follow and know that there are several more I haven’t discovered yet. These are the highlights for now. Maybe, just maybe, when I’m a big girl my blog will end up on someone else’s round up too.

Sorry, not this time.

So, I am really loving this whole zerotohero thing. It has pushed me to do things that I otherwise would have 1.) considered lame or 2.) been too dumb to figure out for myself. Today’s challenge though is no dice for me.

Today, we are supposed to tie our blog to social media. Get it some likes on Facebook and pin it to our Pinterest boards. I am a FacebookingPinterestWhore just like any other, but my blog is becoming my sanctuary. You see, the anonymity of this thing is what makes it so liberating for me. I could be anyone, anywhere and those who read my stories can still relate. Besides, I can talk mad shit about anyone I want and not have to feel the heat of it. (If you read this post, you’ll know that I don’t talk shit ABOUT people, I straight up just tell them what I am feeling in that moment.)

There are two people in my “real life” who know about this blog. One is Man of the House, because he sometimes reads over my shoulder when I type and because I squeal with giddiness every time I get a new follower; and the other is a friend who writes professionally. I not-so-secretly hope that she will follow me and then someone who pays her money to write will suddenly send me a big, fat check for the brilliant literary work that I do. Although, I think that in the last sentence I just proved that I may or may not know how to correctly use a semicolon so my writing career is probably fucked.

So, that being said, THANK YOU SO MUCH for zerotohero. It is making my little nugget of an idea into a reality that I really enjoy. (Click here for lame musical tribute to my battle cry of a blog). I hope you understand though, that I’m just going to sit this one out.

P.S. Fuck you voice-to-text on my phone! I tried to voice search “indoor water slide hotels” and instead I got 1,000,000 results for “why does my ass hurt when I wake up in Eldridge Park.” As closely a butt-fucking and indoor water parks are, you just didn’t meet my needs this time.


A Letter to a Realistic Fictional Audience

Dear Dream Reader,

I’m guessing you’re here because you saw another post of mine about Poop Throwing or Toddler Tea-Bagging. I hope that you are enjoying those, really I do. Also, I promise to keep trying to get better at this. Writing has never been my strong suit, and it’s the school subject that I still struggle with the most. Believe me when I say that I am trying. Furthermore, I promise to keep finding myself in silly situations.

I’m guessing that another reason that you are here is because you’re actively avoiding something. For me, it’s usually writing a report at work or laundry. Here’s another trick: go grab a cup of coffee, a soda, or a beer (pick your pleasure) because then, long after your eyeballs have scanned this text, you’ll still have a beverage to finish before you have to get up and write that report or fold those clothes. Believe me, I’m a professional-level procrastinator.

I’m thinking that you find my posts funny because you are a parent and can relate. Or, because you aren’t a parent and I am just providing more justification to your choice (not that it needs justified). One of my favorite blogs, and an inspiration for this one, is written by my friend’s son-in-law about his parenting adventures. My kids are the best thing that ever happened to me, but they are also the cause of every gray hair on my head. There is not enough warning in the world to prepare you what the true adventure of parenting is.

I’m hoping that you do, in fact, find me funny. Sometimes I am caught in really tough circumstances, but my coping mechanism is to laugh at the tough stuff. I’ve learned to keep a lot of that laughing internal, because social norms just don’t allow for one to burst into laughter while, say, standing in line at the grocery store. The same goes for crying, but I must admit that it is far harder to hold back the tears.

The purpose of this blog is to relate to someone. Whether it be a parent, someone who works with the mentally ill, someone with a neurological disorder, or someone who is just a plain ol’ smartass like myself. I think it is important for everyone to feel like they can relate to someone. Otherwise, the world feels like a mighty lonely place.

If this is the first post of mine you are reading, please do me a favor and look at another one or two. This does not feel like my strongest piece. If you are already one of the 11 (double-digits, baby) that are following me, please don’t stop because of this. In fact, invite your friends to follow me too. That’ll put the pressure on me to deliver something brilliant. For now, thanks for making it this far.

Love, Me