Sorry, not this time.

So, I am really loving this whole zerotohero thing. It has pushed me to do things that I otherwise would have 1.) considered lame or 2.) been too dumb to figure out for myself. Today’s challenge though is no dice for me.

Today, we are supposed to tie our blog to social media. Get it some likes on Facebook and pin it to our Pinterest boards. I am a FacebookingPinterestWhore just like any other, but my blog is becoming my sanctuary. You see, the anonymity of this thing is what makes it so liberating for me. I could be anyone, anywhere and those who read my stories can still relate. Besides, I can talk mad shit about anyone I want and not have to feel the heat of it. (If you read this post, you’ll know that I don’t talk shit ABOUT people, I straight up just tell them what I am feeling in that moment.)

There are two people in my “real life” who know about this blog. One is Man of the House, because he sometimes reads over my shoulder when I type and because I squeal with giddiness every time I get a new follower; and the other is a friend who writes professionally. I not-so-secretly hope that she will follow me and then someone who pays her money to write will suddenly send me a big, fat check for the brilliant literary work that I do. Although, I think that in the last sentence I just proved that I may or may not know how to correctly use a semicolon so my writing career is probably fucked.

So, that being said, THANK YOU SO MUCH for zerotohero. It is making my little nugget of an idea into a reality that I really enjoy. (Click here for lame musical tribute to my battle cry of a blog). I hope you understand though, that I’m just going to sit this one out.

P.S. Fuck you voice-to-text on my phone! I tried to voice search “indoor water slide hotels” and instead I got 1,000,000 results for “why does my ass hurt when I wake up in Eldridge Park.” As closely a butt-fucking and indoor water parks are, you just didn’t meet my needs this time.



8 thoughts on “Sorry, not this time.

  1. Know just what you mean!! In the end I created a different page on my facebook, and only those people I want to read my posts get to look. Hahaha!! Loving the voicesearch!! I argue with mine!!

    • Me says:

      But what if that one person that says they won’t tell anyone actually tells someone and then your boss finds out that you think she’s a fake-ass dragon-breath bitch from hell? That could make the break room awkward.

  2. 😉 heehee Who ever thought to call those things smart phones?! My arguments are with my car…talk about a bitch voice, I need my car to be there for me – calm me down, not escalate my road rage. And laugh when I miss a turn, and say I told you so when I try to take a short cut because there is no way she knows my neighborhood like I do, and tell me I look great and I don’t have lipstick on my teeth when we go to the drive thru beer barn.

    • Me says:

      I’ve had my phone say stupid things before, but that one was really the winner. My car is great. My car tries really hard to be there for me. I blame the phone. The phone is an asshole.

  3. says:

    Why does your butt hurt when you wake up in Eldridge Park? I think the internet is just as curious as we are.

    • Me says:

      Well, personally, I’ve never had the pleasure of visiting this Eldridge Park. I believe that it is located in the lovely city of San Francisco. The last time that I did have a sore butt in the park was because I thought I was still young and gravity-resistant enough to slide down the fire pole to impress my kids. The last time my butt hurt upon waking, I believe that it had something to do with the fact that it had been 3 or 4 days since I had a bowel movement and I was about to pay the price. These incidents were not related.

      For the record, some suggested searches that come up after one wants to know the cause of their sore bum include:

      Why does my vagina smell like fish? (I cannot answer this one for you, as fish is not a smell that I have personally come up against)
      What’s wrong if your buttocks hurt a lot and you can barely walk? (You probably over did it at the gym)
      Why is my butt crack sore and red? (Use more toilet paper?) and…
      Why is my dog dragging his bottom? (Because he needs to go the vet and get fingered)

      I don’t know why I didn’t get my Master’s degree in Butts, Cracks, and Holes. I probably would’ve ended up making more money.

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